Alex Rider: The Naked Gun FanFiction Edition
by TomC
Summary: What if Leslie Nielsen was a teen-age spy? What if privets and minuets were actually a recurring theme in fiction? What if a sleep-deprived person were given access to an FFN account? Why are you asking me?


[ **REAL** A/N: Warning: a lot of snark ahead, but it's presented with great affection for the fandom. Imagine the chapters trickling out over the course of a few weeks. These were rattling around in my head, and the noise was keeping me up at night. Presenting: a whole kennel of my pet peeves. There is a notice about _The Truth Will Out_ at the bottom of the story.]

 **Summary: Alex Rider does some stuff with some other people. Summary sucks, but you should totally give it a read, because what's the chance I'm bad at both summaries *AND* the stories themselves? Has to be about 25%, right? So it's a better than even shot. OK, I suck at maths and logic, too.**

 **Chapter 1: Prouloge**

[ALEX POV]

Alex heard the announcement for an emergency all-school assembly in the auditorium.

[A/N: It'll be a couple of weeks before I can post again. What should I write next? And then after that?]

 **Chapter 2: Tomorrow**

I'll be posting the first chapter tomorrow.

 **Chapter 3: Chapter 1**

Alex looked up to see a group of his friends enter the classroom. There was Daniel Wolf, Tom Walker, Sabina Harris, Alex Daniels, and Jack Byrne. With them was the new exchange student from the States, a Native American named Two Dogs. The dark-haired Yank was looking at his phone. "Hey, it says here that you can find list of baby names on the Internet, and not just use the first name that you see in front of you! That's crazy talk! Unfamiliar names will just confuse people."

But Alex's eyes were drawn to the lightning-shaped scar on the forehead of the last one of the group, Harry Potter. Harry came from a large, close-knit family and was perhaps a little pudgy. But don't let anyone get caught calling her "Harriet". She hated that name. [A/N: Yes, I've decided to make this a cross-over! Only this time Harry is a girl! I tried to rename the story to _"When One World Collides With Another Completely Different World, But Only Metaphorically"_ , but the site is not cooperating. Oh, and there won't be any magic in this story. Do you think I should lose the lightning scar?]

 **Chapter 4: Sign the petition!**

 **Chapter 5: Chapter 2**

Alex's best mate at Brooklyn, Tom Harrison, came up to him. "Hey, there, Al. I can't decide whether you look tired or cautious."

"My spy skills that I learned from Uncle Ian who was a spy at MI6 and then trained me and then died and then I became a spy too at MI6 are finally rubbing off on you. Your write, I do feel weary and wary. MI6."

"Maybe you can relax during the emergency all-school assembly in the auditorium called for no apparent reason."

"I don't know. I have a feeling that I'm being watched," Alex said.

"Maybe that's because you keep saying you work for MI6 in the middle of a crowded classroom."

Alex began moving about the room in a haphazard fashion. He stopped, with a look of concentration on his face. But after a moment he began to meander some more. He stopped again and said, "Hmm, I wonder..."

Tom prompted, "And?"

Alex looked him in the eye. "And then I wander."

 **Chapter 6: Chapter 3.14159**

[TOM'S POV]

"Quiet down, students. Quiet down." The principal of Brookfield High School waved his hands to get the entire student body's attention. "These nice men with the rifles have asked to speak with you."

"Hello, we are the entire senior leadership of a super-secret terrorist organization," said the most important looking man with a rifle. "Is Alex Rider here?"

I looked around. "No, I think he went home sick."

"Oh." The dude look disappointed. "OK, fine, then. We'll come back tomorrow." The 57 men dressed in black and carrying assault rifles filed out of the auditorium.

Alex turned to me and said, "Thanks, mate, for you're quick thinking."

 **Chapter 7: Chapter 1**

[ALEX'S POV]

I watched the men in black file into the auditorium. I guess I should have reported yesterday's incident to MI6. In my defense, I really didn't think they'd come back.

"We're going to take attendance. Just answer 'here'. Alex Rider!"

"Here!" I said.

"There he is!" _Darn!_ , I thought.

"Mr. Rider. Come down here and tell the students you're life story, for no apparent reason. Or we will shoot you."

"I'm going to have to think about this," I said. "Could I have a privet minuet to decide?"

"OK," he replied.

After the shrubbery had finished its stately dance, I still had not decided. "That didn't work. Could I have a moment of privacy instead?"

"OK," he replied.

I thought for a moment and then said, "No." Then I beat up all 57 men. After that I was very tired, and decided to go home.

 **Chapter 8: Chapter -1**

[Alex's POV]

I was describing my most recent adventure to Tom. Tom interrupted me. "Wait. You were attacked by a rouge agent?"

I felt a little sheepish. "Actually, it wasn't a rouge agent, he was a mascara agent. I fended him off, but not before I looked like I was trying out for the lead in A Clockwork Orange."

Suddenly, the door crashed open and five men dressed in black came. I guessed they were from SCORPIA because their matching football jerseys had "SCORPIA" spelled out in large yellow letters. I quickly tried to memorize the address printed under the name.

I decided to call the leader of the group The Leader. The guy standing next to him with a pink nose ring I decided to call Scorpia Assassin #1. The guy behind him I labeled Scorpia Assassin #2. I named the next guy Snugglemuffins. And the last guy was Scorpia Assassin #5.

The five bad guys quickly formed a circle around the two teens.

[The Leader's POV]

"Alex Rider, I have found you at last," I said.

[Scorpia Assassin #1's POV]

The Leader, standing on my right, said "Alex Rider, I have found you at last."

[Scorpia Assassin #2's POV]

The Leader, standing two positions to my right, said "Alex Rider, I have found you at last."

[Snugglemuffin's POV]

 _How come I never get any respect?_ I thought. Three positions to my right, The Leader said "Alex Rider, I have found you at last."

[Scorpia Assassin #4's POV]

...

[A/N: Hello?]

...

[A/N: Oh, right: there is no "Scorpia Assassin #4"]

[Scorpia Assassin #5's POV]

 _...Three, Four._ Four positions to my right, The Leader exclaimed, "Alex Rider, I have found you at last."

[The Leader's POV]

Five positions to my right, The Leader exclaimed, "Alex Rider, I have found you at last."

[Scorpia Assassin #1's POV]

Six-

[Scorpia Assassin #2's POV]

BANG! I was surprised that The Leader had swiftly pulled his pistol and shot #1 in the head. "Idiots!" the Leader screamed. "I told you never to stand in a circle! We almost got trapped in a point-of-view vortex!"

[Snugglemuffins]

Remind me not to piss off the Leader.

[Nobody's POV]

All was dark. Not a single glimmer of light broke the gloom. There was a complete absence of sound. Even the thought of sound seemed like an absolute impossibility. _I have no mouth but I must scream!_

[Alex's POV]

"What the bloody hell was that? OK, from now on, it has to be at least one person's point of view."

[Everybody's POV]

I hear my stomach growl. Is that a mosquito? Get away! I stared down the Leader's steely gaze. It flew in my ear! The Rider child did not shy away from my stare. I hate mosquitoes! It's past lunch! I'm going to be itching all afternoon.

[Everybody but the Guy Fixated on the Mosquito's POV]

I was told there was going to be food.

[OK, ease up on the hungry Guy's POV]

Lead assassin shoots the others. "Finally, I can hear myself think"

With only one assassin left, Alex quickly dispatches him.

 **Chapter 9: Chapter [Redacted]**

Alex threw himself behind the rock. "Are you hit?!" cried Fox.

"Yeah, I was shot seven times," he replied calmly.

"Seven!? We have to stop the bleeding!"

"That's OK. I was just grazed. The bleeding has stopped already."

Fox looked puzzled. "Just grazed... seven times? That seems... unlikely."

 **FLASHBACK**

Hunter stalked up to the range. "I'm your new shooting instructor. Let's see what I'm working with. You, and you... fire a magazine each at those silhouettes down there."

Each man used instinctive shooting to quickly empty their guns at the targets.

The deep-cover agent retrieved the sheets. "Hmm. Well, you each got one bullseye right through the heart, but all the rest were complete misses."

The men objected. "What?! No! They were all bullseyes!"

"Perhaps, perhaps. Tell you what, from now on, randomly aim for the edge of the silhouette, so we can tell who's the best."

"OK." Hunter turned away to suppress a snicker. _Mission accomplished. Of course, those targets weren't anatomically correct; the heart was an inch too high. So maybe it wouldn't have mattered._

 **END FLASHBACK**

Alex thought about it for a moment. "Just lucky, I guess."

 **Chapter 10: Chapter _i_**

Suddenly, an expressionless mask fell over Alex's face. A cold shiver ran up the other boy's spine. They walked into the crowded room. Alex scanned the room. "There are three spies here."

"How can you tell?"

"See the man in the corner, the other one by the window, and the women by the bar?"

"Yeah. What about them?"

"They're completely expressionless. Not a flicker of emotion. That's how spies can identify each other. No... wait a minute. My mistake. See the woman's lips? That puffiness indicates collagen injections. I think she's had botox treatment. Yep, she's not blinking."

"Wow, does that happen a lot?"

"Not anymore. Training has improved since the Americans accidentally named Joan Rivers director of the CIA."

* * *

Alex looked down at his phone. He picked up his books and left the cubicle. He left the study room. He left the library. He left the building. He left the campus. Tom ran up to him and said, "I see you got my message. You look very exited."

* * *

Alex risked a brief look behind him as he ran into an ally.

"Oof! Fox!? What are you doing here?!" Alex said, as he picked himself off the ground.

"I was just taking a walk until you ran into me."

"Oh, sorry. I was trying to run into that alley over there."

* * *

Alex ate some desert. Fortunately, it wasn't as dry as normal, as he got a piece with some oasis on it.

* * *

Alex bit into the perfect apple. He remembered finding the apple.

 **FLASHBACK**

Alex came into the kitchen and saw the bowl of fruit. There was a collection of different types, but on top of the pile was one apple. He noticed it was completely unblemished. It almost looked like it had been freshly polished.

Alex bit into the perfect apple. He wiped a drip of juice that threatened to trickle down his chin. He looked over at the bowl and felt a jolt of panic shoot down his spine. He was still in the flashback! But he had reached the present already! What would happen if he ended the flashback now? Would he travel back in time? But if he didn't end the flashback he would be doomed to always be out of synch with the rest of the universe. MI6 had warned him to flashback at least weeks or months, at a minimum a few days. Why had he cut it so close?!

Steeling his courage, Alex stopped remembering...

 **END FLASHBACK**

The universe disappeared, leaving only an apple with one bite marring its perfection.

* * *

 _Next story is a crossover between the two most popular fandoms: Harry Potter and... Harry Potter! Find out what happens when Harry goes to Hogwarts!_

[ **REAL** A/N: I should have a chapter of "The Truth Will Out" published shortly. I've held on to this until now so that I wouldn't have a lynch mob after me for abandoning them. I have the chapter pretty much complete, but now I have to go over it looking for the type of flubs I poke fun at here.

This started as an observation that privets and minuets show up in fan fiction much more often then they do in real life. And it just got sillier from there...]


End file.
